Remembering Well: Rituals for
Celebrating Life and Mourning Death
Author: Sarah York
Death is something that most people
do not want to think about and losing a loved one can be devastating. Dealing
with death and all that is required to plan a service, ceremony, ritual or
celebration of the deceased’s life requires understanding, guidance and
discipline in order to make sure that the wishes of that person are met and the
family has the proper time to remember their loved one. Many people have
certain fears and concerns about taking on the role of handling the ritual of
death and the creating a meaningful service. Entering the funeral parlor to
discuss the arrangements can be difficult and when asked to view the body
before the cosmetic preparations many might fell uncomfortable and distressed.
As the author tells the story about accompanying a woman named Ruth to the home
in order to help with the final arrangements. Many people do not realize the
time it takes to get everything in place and properly done. From a simple
service to the burial place whether the body is placed in the ground or
cremated certain preparations must be made and a service with a clergyman
discussed. The author shares several readings that can be used at these
services and she even takes the reader on the journey with Ruth from start to
finish to help others understand how to perform a memorial service and what it entails.
Questions often asked by a minister, rabbi or clergy before the service relate
to what the person was like, their job, their goals and their surviving
immediate family members. The author shares what will be said when the casket
is placed in the ground and when reading chapter one you learn more about how
she runs the service and how others participate. Chapter two includes
guidelines for those planning a memorial service and discussing the basis
behind each part of the service and different phrases and readings that can be
used. Two important questions that most people never think about but are vital to
help guide you through the process of preparing for a service. First think
about what part of the service would heal you the most? Next, decide which
parts have least met your needs and decide what if anything was missing from
the service and what turned you off? The author shares her workshop
presentations for the reader and how most participants stated that they felt
the presence of their loved ones and the day of the service it was not easier
but they were able to let them go knowing that they would be in their hearts
and minds forever. I have to agree when the author states that some services
can be impersonal and some could not relate to the religious aspect of
perspective being presented. Impersonal services once again I have to agree
occur when the person conducting it knows very little about the deceased and
has not spent enough time speaking with family members and even I feel asking
the right questions. Next the author discusses who will create and conduct the
service, what kind of service, religious beliefs and the right person to
conduct it. When asked to attend a meeting with a loved on Sarah states that
she came as a consultant. Some look for alternatives to the traditional clergy
–led memorials. She shares that some turn to counselors or a friend to perform
the service. Sometimes there are those who are skilled or schooled in the issue
of handling grief and this person would be the one who should run the service
as they are gifted in this area. Sharing different memorials she attended the
author adds examples of programs for those who might create one for a service
and need some guidelines and structure when preparing for that day. Choosing
the right music and readings that are appropriate are part of what she includes
in Chapter 2. She also includes how to set the proper tone for the service,
sample opening remarks and outlines the format of different services on pages
22-31. Chapter 3 is vital to any service for those who have taken on the
responsibility of running the memorial service. Understanding the function of
prayer and prayer gestures, which focus on lighting candles, creating caring
space, receptive space and inviting the Holy presence I think is most
heartfelt. The one part of the ritual that she includes that my family took
part in is The Circle of Love that we formed at the hospital on several
occasions before my sister passed last year. Chapter 4 focuses on the different
choices and decisions that need to be made as a result of the death a loved
one. Do you want to view the body? Do you want to cremate or not? Do you want
to donate or not? All you need to know and understand will be found on pages
64-65. Thee questions sum up the entire chapter and are vital to the family
before you can move on to the creating the service. Next, every clergy person
should set aside at least two hours to interview and speak with family members
about their loved one. Talking about the person, their lives and any special
times you had helps the writer or the person running the service clergy or not
to create as the author describes “the soul sketch.” This is the memorial
portrait almost like taking a canvas and painting an oral picture of the person
that if painted you would see all of these stories on the canvas that tell the
story of this person’s life. The soul sketch she states is creates as she
speaks with many different family members, hears what they say and then creates
the portrait. Interviewing the family and what should be asked is defined on
pages 69-71. Planning the service and writing the soul sketch pages 72-78.
Chapters 6 discusses the
circumstances surround the death of your loved one. Chapter 7 the topic of
family alienation. What happens when family members that have not been close or
have not been part of the family gatherings due to fighting or living a long
distance from the diseased attend the funeral? Ways to handle these situations
are described how to understand that this might be the time to look into you
heart and show some understanding, forgiveness and hope but realize that you
will not settle differences at a funeral. Pages 105-108 discuss how to handle
these situations and page 109 the rest. What happens you someone or you are cut
out of the will how do you handle it? What happens when anger takes over and
you feel guilt? What happens when you realize another member of your family was
left something you were promised? How many handle it and feel when you feel
that you have been wronged? Chapter 8 focuses on how the body is prepared for
burial and the rituals. The author defines committal ceremonies as the term
used to describe the burial or distribution of the person’s remains. The common
theme is the return to creation and the giver or source of life. Sharing how
one family sent five helium balloons up in the air and including the types of
flowers many place on coffins and graves and their meanings is quite compelling.
Understanding the meaning of Earth, Air and Fire and the different signs rounds
out Chapter 8. The author shares with the reader a sample committal ceremony on
pages 135-139. Finally, Chapter 9 concludes with the how grief does not end
with the memorial service and she includes how many different religions mourn
their loved ones and being Jewish she explains in detail the rituals from start
to finish or from the moment the body is cleansed to the moment it is buried.
The author includes the many different rituals that follow within the first
year and after. Page 141 discusses and explains how people create services and
how they grieve. Pages 142 -144 elaborates on how Jewish people remember their
loved ones. Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries and the yearly remembrance or
anniversary of the person’s death are really hard to deal with especially the
first year. Anger, forgiveness and remembering the loved one and sometimes
trying to figure out why but knowing you never really will are all part of
Chapter 9. Added at the end she includes three valuable resource sections. The
first Death and Committal: How the Body is Prepared and laid to rest. Second
the Services of friends and family. Finally, resource 3 Readings, Prayers and
Blessings. Told in the author’s voice and written in a way that readers will
embrace what she is saying Remembering Well: Rituals for Celebrating Life and
Mourning Death is definitely a book that everyone should read and an invaluable
resource.
Fran Lewis: reviewer
